THE DAILY EDITION.

We spent twenty years covering webcams and buying VPNs. Nobody thought to encrypt the toilet.

Or they could just ask people.

Another reason not to flush that dead mouse.

There is a poop jokein there some where... Keep digging...

Somewhere a Duke postdoc is explaining to his parents that he beat out forty other applicants for the sewage.

Just another example of garbage research coming out of American universities.

Give it a year and it's a subscription product, so Whole Foods can learn how much of its customer base is secretly Popeyes.

The first city to dispute the findings will be the one that came back ninety percent Cheez-It.

After careful analysis, the scientists determined that our diets are mostly brown.

Ooooo Duke researchers, aren't we all that and a bag of chips. Well, I've got a turd here for you to research you sons of bitches.

The study concluded that people are eating mostly diarrhea.

Turns out every city's DNA says the same thing at 2 a.m.: "taco bell, taco bell, taco bell."

The suspicious looking lettuce